One would expect in a downtrodden time for the atmosphere around us to be bleak, dark, drab. But if you look around, all of the young people are shrouded in neon. It seems color is the new black. I’m not sure that the polarization of dress-wear between the youths and those of us trying to buy a house, keep jobs, and manage bank accounts will solve our economy. But it is encouraging to see a bright reminder of times when we took ourselves less seriously. Perhaps that is where a lot of our angst stems from. We are all about work and stability, less about fun and frivolity. I say we lose the somber attire and go for something that makes us feel fun and free. However, black is quite slimming so maybe just a hot pink accessory.
When someone gets engaged, friends and family are quick to offer advice and suggestions on how you and your spouse to be could do this and do that, etc. As a recently engaged gal I have been lucky enough to receive some of this wisdom. I got everything from the best recipes to keep a happy husband to exclamations from my grandmother that she can finally stop worrying that I will be alone. I am 24 years old. One nugget I did not expect or ever think of was that your spouse has to be the most important relationship in your life. This was most surprising. I was confused and concerned about that amount of weight given to one relationship. How could I give myself so completely to one person? It is frightening to make yourself that vulnerable. It took a while for this to sink and the more I thought about it the more it made sense. The person you marry, the person you are vowing to spend the rest of your life with, the person you will wake up next to everyday has to be the single most important person. Coming from a girl who has always depended on her family to be the backbone and center of the relationship world, I wondered if I was going to be able to transition. I began thinking of my fiance and the life we currently have together. Things such as there is no place I would rather be, ever, than with him ran through my head. Also that I would do anything to spend five minutes with him was something else I thought of. Maybe there was hope for me after all. I do tend to leap with my eyes closed and I was getting worried that I wouldn’t be able to have the right mentality to give this marriage all it deserves. However, I know that I am marrying the absolute best man I have ever met and he would be the only person I trust to hold on to this hot mess. So cheers, and here is to change and happiness. Oh yeah, and gifts. Thanks in advance.
One of the events I look forward the most when I go home to Texas is devouring a Whataburger. They are delicious, remind me of home, and did I mention delicious? I was recently in Texas to celebrate Mother’s Day with my family and drove through a Whataburger. I was sitting next to the window waiting for them to custom make my cheeseburger when I noticed a confusing sign. “One Nation Under God” posters gleaned from every side of the building. Whoa. I had to remind myself that I am (a) in Texas and (b) patronizing a family restaurant in Texas. It was a bit blindsiding though, I have to admit. I was raised by three Methodist ministers so I have nothing against Religion, except, when it starts leaking into the political system and now my #1 with cheese. It is unfortunate enough that the division of church and state has crumbled but now the division of church and dining out has been breached as well. Obviously, companies are entitled to do business in any way that they choose, however, I am not interested in having the Lord look down on me when I am breaking bun.
With every forward movement it seems that something always is left behind. With sensations such as Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter a fundamental connection with people is lost in translation. Though these mediums make it very simple to communicate with friends and family the intention behind making and continuing relationships is moot. It feels like a mass email blast. People can make blanket statements about their life, what they are doing, and who they have been hanging out with. I miss the days where we had to pick up the phone and call someone, hear their voice, and have a conversation. Or even further back, when you had to sit dow to write a letter that was specific to the person you were writing. My relationships are important to me and I feel that these mass media sites cheapens them. But I must confess I do use them. What does that make me? A hypocrite? Or am I just having to succumb to my generations technological advancements? Whatever it is, it makes me wonder if with all these social networking sites, what is society missing out on? Streets are filled with people have their iPod speakers in their ears, electing to avoid actual contact with real human beings in favor of sitting in front of a computer screen. Maybe that is why I have chosen a profession where I see and talk to people all day long. I thrive on making those contacts and making people laugh and smile. Oh well, I am sure someone will soon make all the social networking sites have live video chat. Then I will have to worry about whether or not I turned my camera off and people are getting too much access to my life!
I have always known that I am passionate about passion. I am passionate about being inspired and love hearing people’s stories on how they got where they are now because of a sort of fate or destiny. And probably a lot of really hard work. I recently went to the tasting room of one of the men who inspired the movie Bottle Shock. My group was lucky enough to be the first to arrive for the tasting (not shocking) and Gustavo was there, schlepping wine about. He stood at the end of the bar listening to the woman giving us the taste tour of GustavoThrace wine and smiling proudly. We all started chatting and he was kind enough to share his story with us. I learned that making wine was not even on his top three list for how he wanted to spend his life. How amazing it must be to stumble upon something that could incite such visceral passion. Listening to how he went from a boy dreaming of playing baseball for a living to being the master of some of the most delicious wine I have ever tasted evoked something in me that I honestly feel quite often. Envy. I spend the majority of my day dreaming time trying on different life styles to find the one that is going to thrust me into my own life of unending professional passion. I have put on many different outfits and tried many facades. Maybe it is my age, at best, or my drive, at worst, that is prohibiting me from realizing my own dream. I have yet to feel the deep rooted desire that makes every other decision I make fall into line and progress me towards the destiny of my passion. For right now I am OK with being passionate about passion. That is a start. But pretty soon I am going to grow wary of my constant, frenetic thirst to complete myself. Luckily I have plenty of GustovatoThrace wine to help the process go more smoothly.
How many of us have taken tests to help us understand more about ourselves and reveal our true personalities? The thing about these tests is that they do not take into account changes I am trying to make. And apparently failing miserably at. I took a test today that told me I was a helper. Old news. I like to put the benefit of others before the needs of my own. Still. Dammit. Maybe this is why I do not feel like I have gotten around to accomplishing all my lofty goals and dreams. My colleagues were also surprised by their results. Maybe because they can reveal our true nature and that takes away from the facade we try to put out in the world. The thing is, while I really enjoy helping others and helping you actualize yourself, I need someone to help actualize me. Every time I think I have finally figured out what I need to have some direction in life the inevitable fork in the road emerges and I am once again having to decide where to go and what to do. If I was better at figuring out what was best for me and the best route to help me achieve those little golden nuggets that make us feel so good I would feel better about being a helper. Perhaps what I need to do now is put myself in your shoes and have a come to Jesus talk with myself. But then that seems like a waste of time when my friend is having boy troubles. The beat goes on.
Doubt is most unbecoming. And it seems to always come at the most inconvenient times. For instance, for most getting a promotion would be the cause of celebration and jubilance. For me my new status has made me doubt myself and that is a feeling I have not entertained in a very long time. This has made me wonder where does doubt come from? Generally it comes from one’s disbelief in one’s ability to perform the task at hand. I do not think that is the case here. I definitely believe that I can do most any task that I am proffered. Unless of course this task involves singing and dancing for people to cause pleasure not pain. In this case I think that my doubt is finally coming from clarity. I do not doubt my capability, I doubt my desire. This realization is actually quite welcome. I think I am finally getting direction! And while I am really excited that I am finally figuring out what I want to do with my life in the future that does not help me figure out what I want to do with my present. And I do not mean the gift of my new-found wisdom.
Does watching Sex and the City compulsively and hoping that it will help me reach my creative and fashion goals by proximity make me pathetic? Probably. But I think many people think that it is possible to absorb other’s successes simply by being around it or them, fiction or not. Why is it so hard to accept how wonderful life is when compared to the glamour of non-reality? Perhaps because even though my fictional friends have more serious and complex problems theirs can be wrapped up nicely in a half hour little bow. What if all we that was causing us pain or strife could solved by strapping on a pair of Manolos and looking pensively to camera left? Sub the Manolos for Chuck Taylors and pensive look for a scowl at grumpy customers and you think I could be almost perfect. I suppose life is not meant to be black and white or sparkle and glitter but what’s wrong with wishing? I suppose until I figure out how strut into silver screen reality I will have to settle for real life. At least I can take comfort in the fact that while I may not have a fresh start every week I get to write my own exit lines. Whatever they might be.
In all honesty looking back at the past year I cannot believe all the things I have done and seen. In less than one year Scott and I made the decision to leave life as we know it and create a new one. In less than one year I have changed not only jobs but careers. In less than one year we have decided to leave our new life and return to our old one. In the past year I have made more decisions than I care to think about. My brain and heart needs a good rest and some serious time with Law and Order.
Why so many decisions so quickly you might wonder. I may seem hasty, but to me it is practicality. I believe that going with your gut is a good way to make a decision and why waste time? As you can imagine this can sometimes lead to buyer’s remorse. I like to say that I do not regret my decisions because I have learned something from them and these lessons will help in the future to make wiser, more educated decisions. Would mulling be more of a help? I think I would be too impatient to find out.
Happy New Year. Out with the old in with the new, Auld Lang Syne, and all that jazz. New Years is a time when we make resolutions to become thinner, better people that usually crap out before the left overs. A new year is a great excuse to examine bad habits and promise yourself not to form new ones. Personally the only goal I have for myself is to be less cynical. And maybe eliminate activities from my life that do not make me happy. Perhaps judging the probability of people achieving their goals is not the best way to start. But it seems that we should always try to better ourselves rather than wait for the last minute to realize mistakes and make efforts to improve our lives. But who’s judging?
